You’ve got to feel sorry for
NASA. The venerable space agency is trying its best to just get on with its
missions. It just wants to fly its astronauts to Mars, keep an eye on our
climate and environment from up above, and send its spacecraft to say hello to
lonely old Pluto.
Instead, they are constantly
being attacked by all manner of polemicists, morons, pseudoscientists, and
conspiracy theorists. Between pointing out that
the Earth is most certainly not flat, that those $120-a-piece Paltrow patches
do not use NASA technology to heal you, and that hacking group Anonymous has
not uncovered a plot to hide the existence of extraterrestrials from us mere
mortals, they also have to deny that they have child slaves on other planets.
That last one’s new, and it’s
all thanks to a rather infamous right-wing provocateur named Alex Jones, whose
name should induce a visceral reaction that’s somewhere on the spectrum between
eye-rolling and uncontrollable vomiting.
Jones recently popped up on
his InfoWars show and, with the help of Robert Steele – an ex-CIA officer and a
peddler of some truly batshit crazy conspiracy theories – gave what is arguably
his most bizarre segment to date.
Starting off talking about
sexual deviants and the occult, the two of them suddenly segued into talking
about child slaves on Mars, a transition about as unexpected as it is insane. Yes,
you read the title of that video correctly.
“This may strike your
listeners as way out but we actually believe that there is a colony on Mars
that is populated by children who were kidnapped and sent into space on a
20-year ride,” Steele said, with no sense of irony whatsoever. “So that once
they get to Mars they have no alternative but to be slaves on the Mars colony.”
Jones, nodding along like
this was a perfectly ordinary conversation to have, then utters some noises
that involve the words “you have no idea,” and “they don’t want us looking into
what is happening.”
The segment ends with Jones
attempting to be skeptical. “Well I don’t know about Mars bases, but I know
they’ve created massive, thousands of different types of chimeras that are
alien lifeforms on this Earth now,” he blustered. NASA, feeling like this was
too ridiculous not to comment on, sent a spokesperson out to officially deny
the claims in the most nonchalant way possible.
“There are no humans on
Mars. There are active rovers on Mars. There was a rumor going around last week
that there weren’t. There are,” Guy Webster, a spokesperson for Mars
exploration at NASA, told The Daily Beast. “But there are no humans.”
The President listens to
Alex Jones’ broadcasts from time to time, by the way. Let that thought sink in
and let us know what you think about this?
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